Just Wondering When My Alumni Pin’s Super Powers are Going to Kick In?

From: A Recent Graduate

To: University of Learned Doctors

Subject: Third Letter of Complaint Regarding my Defective Alumni Pin (That Seems to Lack Special Powers)


To Whom It May Concern,

I know I have contacted you a few times already, but since the alumni association has already sent me ten emails in two months, I figured another follow-up email couldn’t hurt.

A few months ago, I graduated from your esteemed university with a paper diploma in one hand and a surprise shiny new alumni pin in the other. I was excited to discover what magical adventures this pin would unlock for me!

I assumed the pin’s powers would kick in as soon as I fastened it to my lapel (that’s a college word-look it up). I had a few errands to run, so I put it on and headed out, into what I expected to be, a brand-new world.

The Uber driver was the first to notice my pin because of its elegance and importance. He said the glint was getting in his eyes, but I am sure he was mistaken.

I then explained to him how I managed to stay on the Dean’s List all four years. Instead of actively listening to my detailed story he kept his eyes glued to the road, and if you ask me he was almost paying too much attention to the road.

I don’t usually like to complain about service workers, but you would think the bright crimson of the Latin script would at least allow for the full attention of those who are serving you.

I decided a perfect first spot to try out the pin’s powers would be the grocery store, where I would be bombarded with admiration by the lowly shoppers. I wandered around the store for hours, waiting for the crowds to part like the Red Sea, but no one even mentioned my pin!

I assumed they were just too in awe of my presence to say anything. I then decided to explore the back room, where you know they keep the good stuff, but was shocked to find that my pin did not seem to be working as a Da Vinci-style code breaker. This is when I started to worry my pin may be defective.

I then took my boring, uneducated groceries, up to the counter and was again puzzled to find that no degree-holding discount was offered to me! I was horrified that the ordinary cashier deigned to look at me in all my alumni glory and did not even give a slight head bow to show that she knew she was in the presence of an “alum.”

The grocery store experience shook me, that cannot be denied, but I still had hope that my pin was just waiting for the right moment to unleash its magical power. I had a job interview lined up and I knew it would be the perfect spot for my pin to power up!

The PR firm that I was interviewing at listed a qualification necessity of at least four years of experience, but I knew all of that would be forgotten when they saw my gorgeous pin. I made sure to lean forward whenever I answered a question, so that they had a clear view of my pin.

I honestly cannot remember any of their questions, but I do know that they weren’t asking about my pin, and how I came to have such a lovely accessory that only cost countless all-nighters and a few hundred grand. Instead they seemed more focused on my qualifications, or lack thereof, as they kept repeating.

The interview ended with me being thrown out as I was brandishing my alumni pin shouting “Don’t you know who I am?!?” They apparently did not know who I was, or more importantly, how my college had spent CENTS on these pins so that I could show my alumni pride.

When I got home I was surprised to find an email from you, my new BFF, the alumni association.

Apparently, the pin manufacturers used lead paint to colour the pins, and suggested we throw out the dangerous items.

There was no word in the email on the replacement pins and I have already emailed twice about the expected delivery date. I am sure those are the ones that will really contain the alumni magic and this was all just some big misunderstanding.

Yours (patiently),

A Recent Grad (Go Timberwolves!)

Useful Summer Construction Signs

Caution: Bumper to Bumper Driving

Shovel-Assisted Standing Ahead

Unplanned Break Time

Disgruntled Sign Holder Ahead

Heavy Work Load Ahead

Long Wait Ahead

Caution: Starers Ahead

Secret Route Ahead for those Who are Actually in a Hurry

Construction Ahead for Perfectly Fine Roads

Images Created by Joanelle Allan

8 Ways to Ensure Your Male-Centered TV Show Is Never Overpowered by a Female

  1. Wardrobe should consist solely of crop tops and short shorts…no matter the season.
  2. Her dialogue should be directed towards the female audience and consist of easy to understand words, such as “um,” “yes,” and “OK.”
  3. The best writing crew consists of straight, white men ranging from pale to tan-ish.
  4. Use the female, slut-shame her, and then kill her off. Bye!
  5. Find the most beautiful East-European woman to film and have her lines dubbed over by a less appealing version of the gender, so the women’s one good trait is used.
  6. Create recurring roles that women can handle (mother, babysitter, hair dresser), with catchy character names like “Woman 2,” That Girl,” or “The Silent One.”
  7. Fun red clothing should be used once a month so that the men know when to steer clear of their irrational moods.
  8. Male improv should be highlighted, but the female’s lines will be accompanied by the male writer’s name, so the credit is duly given.