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America: The Greatest Nation in the World (A Mostly True History Textbook) ®2017 OA

Chapter 23: Post-Trump America

Introduction

The 2016 American presidential election was one for the record books, and not just because of the Russian hacking scandal that was eventually swept under the rug. Insults were flung, daughters were poised in Chanel stilettos, and eventually a new president was elected. But was it the president America needed? Or even wanted? Hashtags were often used such as #NotMyPresident, across the now outdated social media site, Twitter.

A never before seen backlash was directed towards the most unfairly treated president in American history, Donald J. Trump. But what was the real reason behind the missteps in the Trump administration that caused an immediate re-set on the world? Now that we have reached 2017 OA (Once Again) we feel safe to re-evaluate this tumultuous time.

Section 1: What Should Have Happened

Many Americans truly believed in their country and that they would do the right thing and elect Hillary Clinton. Not because she was qualified, or even because they didn’t like Donald Trump, but because she was a woman.

This attribute should have been enough to push her over the finish line because that is how American history works, or had worked. Pre-Trump, Barack Obama was elected as the first black president of the United States. Logically, a woman should have been elected next, and then a gay man, then a black woman, and then whatever mix of the rainbow comes next. Unfortunately, this did not happen and the world was, as they said in 2017 AD, shook.

The fallout for the disasters that then ensued in America could not be blamed on Trump, but on the lack of consistency in American history. This mistake caused the greatest turn of events in the world’s history: a complete reset.

Section 2: A Reset on History

The American people gave Donald Trump a chance in the beginning of 2017, but he continued to make blunder after blunder, if the journalists of the time can be trusted, which, according to the Trump administration, they cannot. (See the Appendix #FakeNews for further details).

This led to an American revolution and a drastic decision, to go back to the beginnings of America and to do it all over again and hope to get it right this time. America then elected 43 more white, old dudes to run the country with countless racist and sexist agendas. Then, last year in 2016 OA, after the second first black president, America elected another white person, but this one was a woman!

Section 3: The -isms America Had to Get Through

Many historians question America’s decision to re-start their country in the same brutal fashion as they did the first time. Queen Elizabeth in particular was not amused and mostly just ignored their ridiculous attempts at war.

This controversial decision was highlighted as other countries, including their neighbours, Canada and Mexico, both of whom actually did build a wall, advanced in the worlds of technology, science, health care, and had social and economic booms throughout their lands. The rest of the world even took the time to figure out that Canada and Mexico were not actually territories of the United States, as many people believed, but their own countries.

Throughout the past 300 years America has had to go through the racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia and all the other -isms and phobias that you can think of. All of this, just to get back to the opportunity to elect a woman as president. But, they have one now, and maybe it was all worth it.

Looking Ahead:

Hindsight is great and not everyone gets the chance to have it, but that doesn’t always mean we can make the right decisions with a do-over. It took a long time for America to get back to the possibility of a woman president. Maybe she will be the best there ever was or maybe she will fail horribly and America will never elect another woman. (This has the highest probability of occurring). But if she gets impeached we already have a white gay man to take her place, so we won’t have to go through all this shit again!

Useful Summer Construction Signs

Caution: Bumper to Bumper Driving

Shovel-Assisted Standing Ahead

Unplanned Break Time

Disgruntled Sign Holder Ahead

Heavy Work Load Ahead

Long Wait Ahead

Caution: Starers Ahead

Secret Route Ahead for those Who are Actually in a Hurry

Construction Ahead for Perfectly Fine Roads

Images Created by Joanelle Allan

8 Ways to Ensure Your Male-Centered TV Show Is Never Overpowered by a Female

  1. Wardrobe should consist solely of crop tops and short shorts…no matter the season.
  2. Her dialogue should be directed towards the female audience and consist of easy to understand words, such as “um,” “yes,” and “OK.”
  3. The best writing crew consists of straight, white men ranging from pale to tan-ish.
  4. Use the female, slut-shame her, and then kill her off. Bye!
  5. Find the most beautiful East-European woman to film and have her lines dubbed over by a less appealing version of the gender, so the women’s one good trait is used.
  6. Create recurring roles that women can handle (mother, babysitter, hair dresser), with catchy character names like “Woman 2,” That Girl,” or “The Silent One.”
  7. Fun red clothing should be used once a month so that the men know when to steer clear of their irrational moods.
  8. Male improv should be highlighted, but the female’s lines will be accompanied by the male writer’s name, so the credit is duly given.

 

Canada Uses Mexican Wall Plan as Inspiration and Instead Prepares to Break Away from the USA

Throughout his campaign for presidency Trump often discussed his plans to build a wall between the US and Mexico. He was not, however, worried about his upstairs neighbours, Canada. Most likely because immigrants from Canada would still be white and English speaking, or the “safe ones.”  Even though America often forgets about Canada, Canadians can’t help but keep an eye on the US.

Trump continues to bait Kim Jong-un and North Korea, and Canada can only watch on with trepidation. Prime Minister Trudeau had this to say about the rising tension between the two countries:

“We are pretty easy going, but being hit by a stray missile meant for the United States, would really put a damper on our easy-breezy lifestyle.”

This is a real fear for many Canadians and some have decided to take action. One group formed, literally minutes after Trump’s election, are known as the Independent Canadian Island Coalition (ICIC). They started plans to break away from the United States using every day tools, such as drills, shovels, and even kitchen spatulas. Hey, every bit helps. However, the group gained popularity quickly, and soon the entire Canadian population was on board with the plan. Major Canadian companies, such as Tim Hortons have joined the fight. Some employees have even disassembled the Iced Capp machines to fashion a drill of sorts.

The ICIC president, Katherine Peterson, has been working with Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and said that she “is willing to become an eighth continent if that is what it takes.”

She went on to say that she is “sure there are some people who think we are stronger together, like Pangea, but a bunch of tiny, weak, and separate continents sounds much better to us right about now. Harder to hit with a missile.”

Canadian past times have now been forgotten as Canadians spend their evenings and weekends digging at their local borders. The Stanley Cup Playoffs were completely ignored by the Canadian fans, which was a first in the history of the country. Also, major sponsors of the NHL, such as Canadian Tire, pulled their support, to instead donate shovels, pick axes, and other tools, to the digging project.

It is not only the adults getting involved. The Minister of Education explained that:

“We have already started to teach the school children that we are separated from the rest of North America. We give them a Future lesson instead of History, then throw a shovel in their hands, and take them to the border. The field trip costs have gone up, but we just took the money from the Prime Minister’s foreign affairs budget. We won’t be needing that now.”

When reached for comment about Canada’s plans to break away President Trump was quoted as saying:

“Who?”

Canada may be known globally as polite and easy to get along with, but this is one fight they won’t be taking sitting down.

How to Keep Busy While Waiting for Your Slow Internet

So, you found a hilarious list of Gifs that explain what it’s like waiting in line at the grocery store that you can’t wait to look at? Unfortunately, you are in the middle of the airport, and you are only one of thousands trying to use the free internet. So, instead you have found yourself face to face with a series of blank squares trying to load with random commentary above each one, but with a bit of patience one, or maybe even all of them, may load. Here are some things to do while you wait:

  • Step away from the computer. Get in your car. Go to the grocery store. Meal prep for the next month.
  • Read a book. Finish it. Watch the movie. Then the short-lived TV series.
  • Dance around. Take a dance class. Teach your own class. Choreograph an entire new finale dance from the Broadway hit “Hairspray.”
  • Prep for bed. Then go to bed. Dream of sugar plums. Wake up the next morning and see if it has loaded.
  • Count down from ten. Then back up to one million.
  • Take a deep breath. Take ten more. Practice holding your breath until you can recreate the second task from the Triwizard tournament.
  • Stand up and stretch. Watch yoga videos online. Become a certified yoga instructor. Become a contortionist. Run away with Cirque du Soleil.
  • Have a cup of tea. Enjoy the tea. Grow your own plant. Harvest the leaves. Start your own tea company.
  • Visualize. A better world where there is no slow internet. Sail away. Build that world.
  • Let go. Forget your old life. It’s gone now. Throw out your internet router and move away.